Friday, April 12, 2013

Kathryn in Bathroom Land

Does it ever bother you that as a woman, you'll never know what 99% of men's restrooms look like? Except, if you're me, like 93% because of the ones you accidentally walk into and then - stunned - hustle out of. For men, vice versa. In middle school, we convinced the boys that our locker room had a couch and free soda...and frankly, though we were lying, I still often think: I wonder what lays beyond that men's room door. Especially at work. Is their area just a mirror image of ours? Or is there a club house? The Emerald City? A Cheshire Cat or the Queen of Hearts?

Eh, most likely just a bizarre balance of looking at the guy next to you but not, you know, looking at the guy next to you. Thank God for stalls and the other amenities in women's rooms - like rainbows, roses and unicorns.

That's all for today. I'm really trying to get back in the writing groove - can you tell?

Smell ya later.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Don't pee where you sleep

Happy New Year!  It's been a while, so let's jump right in...

Like many of you fine people, I have made myself some 2013 resolutions.  At the top of that list is my skin care regimen.  I wash my face diligently every morning, but in the evenings (when I probably need it most) I often lapse in the face washing/wrinkle cream-applying department.  I have some other resolutions as well that I won't elaborate too fastidiously on, but they're your standard, drink less, love more, blah blah. Number One: skin care.  Remember it.

That indirectly leads me to something that came to fruition today.  I've been sleeping in some type of yurn spot in my bed all week.  Yurn, if you must know, is code for 'urine' - but I can't bear to actually write the sentence, "I may or may not have been sleeping in a giant urine spot for the last week or two."  Ugh.  Just did.

Let me explain.  I moved into my parents' guest house 2 weeks ago.  I have been sleeping there with their/my dog, Gumbo.  Gumbo is a fabulous little creature with a face and personality that I could talk about for hours.  Sometimes he looks at you and you can tell by his big eyes that his whole world revolves around you.  He kills me.  But, Gumbo also has a skin condition, or a food allergy or something that likens him to the beagle, Itchy from All Dogs Go To Heaven.  The poor guy is in a constant state of scratching.  To further digress, my favorite thing is to scratch him and get his little leg thumping.  If I scratch with two hands, he gets two legs going at once.  Then - he's so ticklish that he'll be scratching and tickling himself at the same time - legs.everywhere.  This is generally the highlight of my day because I'm unemployed and he puts some laughs into my otherwise uneventful country life.

What was I saying...  Gumbo.  In my little house.  Scratching and licking up a storm.  At some point in the last week to ten days, I woke up in the middle of the night and could've sworn I smelled yurn.  But whatever, nothing was wet.  Days 2, 3, and 4 were similar.  As I was falling asleep, I'd catch a subtle whiff.  I brought my Mom's super-nose in to sniff it out, but she said I was smelling things and just washed my pillow cases.  2 days ago, I was utterly convinced that because Gumbo licks himself so much, his saliva was making my bed smell and that 'saliva-smell' combined with 'dog-smell' equals something resembling the putrid, unimpeachable odor of urine.  I'm going down a rabbit hole here because I seem like some girl who sleeps in pee and doesn't really think twice about it.  I promise that's not true.

That brings us to today.  Laundry day.  I stripped my bed to bring the sheets to the house and what caught my eye on the mattress pad was none other than a giant, dinosaur-sized yurn stain.  This wasn't even at the foot of the bed.  It was dead center and top near the pillows.  There's no way something went that much on my bed, right where my head lays, without me knowing about it.  I'm utterly convinced it was not Gumbo as he does not occupy the little house without my supervision.  He's also impeccably mannered.  Frankly, it's a mystery.

Alas, this all loops back to my Numero Uno Resolution because in my week long effort to step up how I take care of my skin, I've been cleansing, toning and moisturizing right before I (essentially) put my face in something else's pee.  Is that irony?  I'm going to go with, 'yes.'

This is now my worst "Yurn on a Mattress" story ever.  There's more than one?  You bet your bladder there is - but last time, I sure as hell didn't sleep in it for a week.